The Wonder

 

 

I’ve lost the wonder.

No it’s true: once I had it,

now it’s gone.

The Wonder.

It’s gone. Gone and pissed off.

Vacated the premises. Put up

a nice clean fresh TO LET

sign. It’s moved in with a

younger crowd, hangs out now

with the renter students

across the street, even goes to

their bars now, you know the

ones, those ones along

Parke’s Passage, go along the

street, turn left then down

a bit.

So that’s it.

No more naturally induced

pleasure rushes for me. Oh no,

all gone now for selfish little old

me. I am purely reliant on

chemically induced turn ons

now. That, is my lot.

Nature has gone, took its leave.

You know those old unexpected

excitements induced through

clear, fresh neurons? You know

you know you know the ones

like a rush from something as

simple as a new view, or a building

at a different but affecting angle that

just made you imagine; or a

townscape or a landscape

anywhere in the world that is

not here or the smell of a city,

a new city that made you feel

moved, that made you feel alive.

Music for example used to make

me cry. Lots of it did once. But not

anymore. As a general rule only

films can make me cry these days

and this- as a general rule- only

when I am sat alone.

So there you go. Got the angle?

The only rushes I get these days

is from mooching around the

house and finding the gloopy

buzz that only a wonderful

bottle can supply. It’s the great

re-balancer you see: can you see

that? It equalises me, takes me

back to where I was before to what

I was before, before I became

‘You bastard.’ It’s a portal, a

transferor, a retro-filter. And

ohmigod it’s a cruel mistress

because it gives me glimpses of

what could be, of what I could have,

then she pushes me further away

from it, so much further away from

it so that I’m falling again, falling

all the way, away from The Wonder

and you see, therein is the catch,

the catch is being unable to forget

The Wonder but never to regain it.

The torture is to have the glimpse

and remember then know the

smack of denial.

I want to forget about The Wonder.

I want you to take it from me,

I want you to understand this:

The Wonder has fucked

off for good.

 

Skemster 19/02/97