I’ve lost the wonder.
No it’s true: once I had it,
now it’s gone.
The Wonder.
It’s gone. Gone and pissed off.
Vacated the premises. Put up
a nice clean fresh TO LET
sign. It’s moved in with a
younger crowd, hangs out now
with the renter students
across the street, even goes to
their bars now, you know the
ones, those ones along
Parke’s Passage, go along the
street, turn left then down
a bit.
So that’s it.
No more naturally induced
pleasure rushes for me. Oh no,
all gone now for selfish little old
me. I am purely reliant on
chemically induced turn ons
now. That, is my lot.
Nature has gone, took its leave.
You know those old unexpected
excitements induced through
clear, fresh neurons? You know
you know you know the ones
like a rush from something as
simple as a new view, or a building
at a different but affecting angle that
just made you imagine; or a
townscape or a landscape
anywhere in the world that is
not here or the smell of a city,
a new city that made you feel
moved, that made you feel alive.
Music for example used to make
me cry. Lots of it did once. But not
anymore. As a general rule only
films can make me cry these days
and this- as a general rule- only
when I am sat alone.
So there you go. Got the angle?
The only rushes I get these days
is from mooching around the
house and finding the gloopy
buzz that only a wonderful
bottle can supply. It’s the great
re-balancer you see: can you see
that? It equalises me, takes me
back to where I was before to what
I was before, before I became
‘You bastard.’ It’s a portal, a
transferor, a retro-filter. And
ohmigod it’s a cruel mistress
because it gives me glimpses of
what could be, of what I could have,
then she pushes me further away
from it, so much further away from
it so that I’m falling again, falling
all the way, away from The Wonder
and you see, therein is the catch,
the catch is being unable to forget
The Wonder but never to regain it.
The torture is to have the glimpse
and remember then know the
smack of denial.
I want to forget about The Wonder.
I want you to take it from me,
I want you to understand this:
The Wonder has fucked
off for good.
Skemster 19/02/97
